Survival Mode

When my little darlings, D and P, entered the world, I was completely smitten with providing them with everything I could to make their upbringing the best that I possibly could. I breast-fed, read books to them, oohed and awwed appropriately, and relished their warm body snuggles when they fell asleep in my arms. Seriously, D didn't lay down for a nap until he was probably 2 months old and I went back to work and the husband was a work from home Dad. I loved holding him while he slept, even if that meant not washing the dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, or folding laundry. I mean, really, who would choose house cleaning over baby cuddling??

My husband saw it all in a different light. He saw the first 3 or 4 months of our children's lives as survival mode. As in, we are responsible for keeping the kid alive; survival. He hated that their necks wobbled and couldn't support their giant heads, the fact that we were constantly changing diapers, nursing the baby, etc. I don't know if he truly connected with the kids at this time, because he felt more like a caretaker and didn't experience that "rush" of love and instantaneous infatuation with all things baby. I'm not saying that my husband didn't love our kids (he's a really great dad!), but I think it was just different than what he expected. More like a survivor mode than this magical destination called parenthood.

Today, when I walked in on my now 3 year old son, D, coloring the kitchen floor with a crayon in one hand and a pencil in the other, I thought of my husband's feelings of survival mode. Sometimes that is what I feel like I am in as a stay at home mom. When I worked full time, I was in this constant battle with myself and my guilt of not staying home with my kids. I had visions of me and the kids going to story time at the library, play dates with other mommies and their littles, taking D and P on half day excursions and visiting Daddy at work. And of course, D would learn to read and write by 4, and P would soon follow in her big brother's footsteps. Reality of being a stay at home mom is a stark contrast to what I thought it would be.

While I might go to story time at the library, play dates with other mommies and their littles, etc, my kids are not the obedient, docile children of my daydreams. Reality is my kids deciding that running laps in the library is WAY more fun than listening to a lady with an admittedly creepy puppet reading stories and singing songs. Reality is D running half a mile into a field while we are supposed to be meeting and playing with other kids at the playground. Reality is also me feeling so completely exhausted and defeated with keeping my kids from fighting, fed, diapered, and potty trained, that I haven't really spent time teaching them anything. I am simply surviving the day. And it's hard. Really hard.

Being a stay at home mom is not all rainbows and butterflies. When I worked full time, I told myself that I was being a strong role model for my children by showing them how I worked my way through college, grad school, and up the corporate ladder until I was in management (making it to a management position was actually my 5 year goal and I did it in 3.5 years. boo-yah!). I didn't feel that being a stay at home mom was really an example that I wanted to set. I mean, here I was, responsible for entire programs, for budgets, for my staff, statewide health planning and implementation, putting out "fires" and improving health outcomes for communities - how could that possibly compare to  staying home with two toddlers? Ha! Now I just hope that my kids realize the hardships, the sacrifices, the COURAGE it takes to be a stay at home mom in a society that identifies a person's worth by the job that he or she does - and often believes that stay at home moms are an antiquated concept that should have gone the way of the Dodo bird once women were accepted into the workplace.

Being a stay at home mom takes perseverance, persistence, and patience. It takes a mom who is able to navigate the hardships of the day; to manage; to triage situations and decide what is necessary and what it is non-essential; to survive. A mom who might be at her wit's end with her son and daughter, but completely melts when her little boy calls his sister his best friend and hugs her (even if his hug resembles a headlock).

In the end, maybe I am just surviving. Maybe I'm taking it one day at a time. Maybe it's the repetition that has made it feel this way. Whatever the reason, I am happy to be surviving my stay at home momness. I would rather stay at home and put out fires (literal and figurative!) between two toddlers than work in the corporate world and put out fires between employees.  And who knows, maybe my survival mode will disappear once I have grown and evolved into my awesome mommy self. Maybe stay-at-home moms follow Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and eventually reach self-actualization. I've only been a stay at home mom for about 4 months now. Maybe my "neck" will learn to support my "giant head" and I'll be more confident, more skilled, knowledgeable and agile; able to not only survive but THRIVE during the day.